To say that this was a hard week would be a huge understatement. I think this was the hardest week I've had yet, and I'm sure that some will be even harder which honestly, kind of scares me. But I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. On Wednesday, Tracy and I were in our room and we could hear a child crying, which in itself is not unusual. The crying was loud and intense, not like the sort of whiny I'm-not-getting-my-way cry. Then we heard what most definitely sounded like someone being hit and instantly the crying turned to that shrieking I'm-really-hurt cry. Tracy and I froze and looked at each other. I'm sure that my jaw hit the ground. We heard the sound three more times and both of us got up and ran out into the hallway only to realize that the sound wasn't coming from the hallway, it was coming from the classroom next door. Pretty soon the class and the teacher came out of the room and the teacher was screaming all sorts of nasty things at the kids. I have no doubt that she did hit that child, but there's nothing that I can do about it. I didn't actually see anything. Tracy and I had talked a few times about going to see the documentary Waiting for "Superman" and we decided right then that we needed to see it that evening. It's about the public school system here in the U.S. (check out the website here) So Wednesday night Tracy, Owen and I got together and had dinner and vented about how horrible the schools are and then we went and saw the movie. Wow. It completely described that place that I'm working (read my review here). It told us why these horrible teachers can do whatever they want and not get fired (thank you teacher's union) and it made me see once again that I am not alone in this fight to make things better for our kids.
Friday was so hard. I came up with a schedule that I had okayed by the teachers of when I was going to pull their kids. Well every Friday one of the teachers won't let me pull her kids because they're testing which is so frustrating because pretty soon I'm going to start getting in trouble for not meeting the requirements of how often I see the kids. She even had the audacity to ask me if I could see more of her kids, which I would LOVE to do, but I already can't see the kids of hers that I have. So I waited until their usual testing time was over and I walked into the classroom to start getting my kids. The teacher took one look at me, pointed and said "NO". I almost lost it on her. I am so sick and tired of being treated like trash! I just walked back to my room and banged my head against the desk a few times. Meanwhile Tracy was pulling her kids three at a time to try and get them all in so a couple of them ended up hanging out with me and making me feel better. Such a bunch of sweeties :) After the school day was over I went to the library for our afterschool tutoring. On Fridays none of the kids ever have homework so we sat with them and colored coloring pages. It was Tracy and I with two sets of sisters. Two of the girls are in 2nd grade and their sisters are both in kindergarten. We were asking them about their days and just chatting and goofing around when all of a sudden the older girls started talking about their older sisters' friend who was stabbed to death at 12 years old just last week. They knew all these horrible, grisly details about the incident and they talked for quite a long time about it. I didn't really know what to say so I just listened. Finally one of the younger girls ran over to me and grabbed me around the neck and held on. I didn't know if she was goofing around or what because 2 minutes earlier she had been making us crack up by laughing this goofy laugh. I sat there with my arm around her and she just stood there with me so finally I picked her up and put her in my lap. She curled up into a ball and cried those heartbreaking silent tears. Meanwhile one of the older girls said "you know, I'm angry that she's dead. I'm angry that she isn't here anymore because it's not right" Tracy assured her that it's okay to be angry and that she's exactly right that it isn't right that that happened. The little one sat in my lap crying for a good 20 minutes to a half hour. It broke me. I cried the whole drive home. Bobby called me and I cried to him and told him how angry I was and still am. No child should have to deal with such a violent death much less know all the grisly details. No child should have to live in fear that this will happen to them too. No child should have to mourn. Children should get the chance to be innocent and to laugh and to not be afraid. I'm angry that these parents can't get a leg up and take their children out of this neighborhood. I'm angry that these teachers are so incredibly horrible and rule by using fear instead of love. I'm angry that I'm not going to be here for these kids when this year is up and that I'll have to spend my life with their faces in my memory and wonder about them and hope for their futures and know that most of them won't get the education that they need to get out of there. I do know now that I'm here for a reason though. I was debating on going to part time so that I could get a second job and be able to pay my bills, but I can't do that now. These kids need me in such a huge way.
Megs. You are so brave! And loving and compassionate, and what you are doing is much needed. You have to look past all the bad and see that what you are doing for these kids is amazing. They need positive influences in their lives and you are being just that! It's hard to look at the good in this situation, but you are doing a huge service to these kids. You are meant to be there.
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